& the truth comes out

Just what I expected. The person I thought I could trust just fuckin’ spilled the beans. I had a feeling that it was going to happen and I thought..maybe just maybe that she wasn’t that kind of person but she is. She stooped so low and she is suppose to be FAMILY! If you can’t even trust your family, who can you trust?

She talked so much crap about me and my brothers saying that I was jealous of her and her son. Oh come on, EVERYONE says that when they have nothing better to say. She insulted my mother who is her sister and she blatantly accused everyone of talking behind my back. She said that she has more friends than me and that everything is my fault. Also that I should act my age but she is so hypocritical because she act like a teenager when she is a grown woman! And then she started being a drama queen and walked out.

Honestly I lost respect for her after she did that. I don’t care if she is my aunt, you don’t do that to someone you supposedly care about. I’m done being scared or holding back just because she is older or thinks she is always right doesn’t mean she is.

Over the past 24 hours or less I have been an emotional wreck, crying for everything. Feeling like I don’t deserve to be here anymore and just tired of trying to fix or care about other people’s [family members] problems instead of caring about myself.

there’s no release

“I see you in my dreams”…my thoughts and I see you in school. Why? I try to think I’m better off without you, which I am but I can’t avoid the fact that you screwed me over. Even though I did get you back somehow, I feel like it’s just not enough. Maybe my conscious is telling me to just tell the truth or else the truth will come out from another person’s mouth, specifically my aunt’s since she’s mad at me.

I just hate it that these couple of weeks or months have just been horrible. I’m having a stupid fight with my aunt and things haven’t been so good with my boyfriend and I. Then out of nowhere, I see someone I did not want to see but I was thinking of him. Could things get any worse? Honestly…I hope not. I can’t take it.

These past few weeks…or months

I have been feeling terrible. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I always get myself into trouble and always say something to start a fight. I really am just a pain to everyone and another problem. My boyfriend has told me things that upset me and I’m trying to just forget it. I wish I can just go away and never come back..

can’t believe I said the truth

I openly admitted something I tried to keep inside to my aunt. Honestly, I don’t think it could have been avoided so easily unless I was an expert on hiding things, which I am not quite there yet. I hate it though, I am so scared that she will unravel my secret to him and it will just mess up our relationship. I wish I had someone else to talk to but the thing is I feel so much better without feeling so much hatred in myself. Although I do feel shame, I don’t know if I can trust her but I have to since I already told her and her sister in law. I even told my mother because I just couldn’t live with lying to her.

I am still trying to get through this guilt every day and I am so terrified that I will have to see him again. I can’t escape this, not even in my dreams. I hope I am strong enough to hold myself together if I do. The one thing I am most proud of is that I didn’t do what he wanted and I still have my dignity.

Safetysuit <3

Last night was my first time seeing my favorite band L I V E. Thanks to my amazing boyfriend, we got floor seats and oh my gosh…one night I will NEVER forget. Although the energy was very low at first, the whole band was so energetic that they brought a lot of people on their feet. The lead singer, Doug came down to the floor and he passed right by me, he started singing on top of the chair and he got down. Before I knew it I was right next to him and I just reached for his hand and HE GRABBED MY HAND! I was soooo freaking happy and my legs were literally shaking like crazy but oh my gosh, BEST experience ever! :D

I am a terrible person.

I never felt so much pain, guilt and disgust in myself than I have in these past few days. My mind is in a horrible place right now and I really wish I was gone. I wish I had someone to talk to that won’t judge me but right now the one who is harshly criticizing myself is me. I want to punish myself for doing this because I didn’t hurt myself but two other people.

so damn sensitive.

Okay so I kind of hate myself for speaking to *A again, but this was all a plan. Over the past month or two we have been texting and everything was just friendly until a couple days ago. He had asked me when we’re going to have our first ~date, funny thing was that before that he had told me he had a girlfriend and I had asked him “Don’t you have a girlfriend” and he said “Pssh, so?”. I knew he was a jerk but that pretty much confirmed his douchey ways. So I played along asking “IF we go out, where would you take me?” and he was like “Idk”. So romantic~. Just now we stopped talking because he was being so different, he had asked me what happened to my facebook and added him again so that completely changed his attitude. He gave me the cold shoulder because he realized, I wasn’t into him since obviously I have a boyfriend. I asked him what was wrong, but he kept insisting nothing was wrong, I knew he was hiding his feelings. He pretty much told me, don’t talk to me then if you believe something is wrong so I did. :)

Who knew he had feelings? l o l

Taking out the trash.

Removing everything and everyone who are not needed or are significant in my life anymore. I’ve wasted too much of my time and energy just thinking of them when they didn’t even care to spend one second to think about me. It may have been my fault of the result but never have I ever stopped caring. I care too much sometimes and that may be my biggest downfall, if I let it get that way. This year will be different…or so I hope.